We all have that friend. The one who’s always happy, who’ll tell an at-boiling-point mate to “look on the bright side”, and who believes “laughter is the best medicine”.
Now I don’t want to rid the universe of optimists (despite what those of you who know me well might think). We need them, especially when things are bleak. But there does come a time when too many plusses can turn into a minus.
I’m talking about “toxic positivity”, which isn’t just an accusation levelled by the chronically grumpy, but a serious phenomenon that can lead to denying, rejecting or minimising negative emotions or experiences. Ironically, toxic positivity makes people less happy.
What’s wrong with being positive?
Toxic positivity is the excessive (sometimes inappropriate) promotion of positive thinking and happy emotions, in situations where such feelings are misplaced. It often takes the form of empty platitudes or forced cheerfulness, like this:
Let’s say you have a friend who’s obsessed with padel. (In the 1990s it was golf. In the 2000s it was cycling. Now it’s padel.) Let’s say they break their elbow just before a big competition. Toxic positivity is telling them that, “Everything happens for a reason.”
This, the equivalent of saying “It could be worse” or “At least you’re not dead”, makes you seem indifferent to their pain; like you’re looking for a silver lining that doesn’t exist.
Toxic positivity isn’t optimism. There’s a very real difference between seeing the potential for good on the one hand, and being unrealistically upbeat on the other. The problem is that toxic positivity can mess with human emotions and, worse, prevent healthy coping.
Theo’s boss can’t read the room
Theo’s going through marital problems and finding it hard to stay focused and perform at work. So he shares his struggles with his boss, Harold, hoping for empathy and support.
But Harold responds with, “Ah come on, man. Just stay positive. Plenty of fish in the sea, anyway, you know? Other people have it worse. Patricia from HR? Her son broke his collarbone playing rugby the other day. You’ll be fine. Chin up.”
Instead of acknowledging Theo’s feelings and maybe offering some practical advice, Harold tells Theo to put his problems in a box and replace them with a smile. NOT. HELPFUL.
More harm than good
Toxic positivity can harm the person experiencing it and those around them. Here’s how.
Harm to you:
- Being chronically bummed out: When you face toxic positivity on the one hand, and real, live, honest humans on the other hand, you can feel isolated and misunderstood by both sides.
- Suffering in silence: If your negative emotions or experiences are dismissed or even minimised, this can undermine your pain.
- Losing the ability to regulate your own emotions: Ignoring bad feelings can stunt growth and resilience. It’s hard to develop coping mechanisms if you don’t deal with the bad as well as the good.
- Limiting your personal development: If, like an ostrich, you stick your head in ‘positivity sand’, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out on opportunities for curiosity, creativity and innovation. All three of these often stem from wanting to make problems, challenges, risks or unpleasant realities better.
Harm to others:
- Pressure to conceal emotions: When you tell someone to stay positive no matter what, they may feel the need to hide their true feelings in future.
- Invalidating experiences: If a person is going through a tough time, trite cliches like “Look on the bright side” or “Be grateful for what you have” can make them feel un-acknowledged, un-heard or un-seen.
- Guilt and shame: You may be able to maintain a positive outlook for much of your life, but those close to you could feel they’re disappointing you by being sad, feeling down or sharing negative perspectives.
- Lack of support: If Harold doesn’t care, Theo may think others don’t either.
- Relationship damage: Toxically positive responses, in bulk, can cause a partner to feel disconnected enough to drift away emotionally.
How to return from the dark side
- Embrace a new cliché: Instead of “Happiness is a choice” and #blessed, try “It’s okay to not be okay”.
- Denial is not a river in Egypt: Negative feelings can lead to positive changes. Try managing rather than denying them.
- Listen: People know when you’re listening just to reply. Replace “One door closes but another door opens” with “That must be hard. How can I help?”
- Be realistic: It’s as harmful to over-expect and under-deliver in your relationship with yourself as it is with others. Go easy.
- Call people out: Although it is profoundly uncomfortable, there’s a chance that confronting someone about their toxically positive approach can help them.
- Try someone else: If you’re not winning at the confrontation game, try to share your real-life, not-ideal, sometimes-miserable things with other, less gung-ho folk.
There’s nothing wrong with being a happy and positive person. I mean that. In fact, the ability to sprinkle positivity around an office when everyone else is wearing grumpy pants is a gift. But sometimes there’s no bright side, and it’s okay not to pretend there is.
