{"id":5284,"date":"2024-03-20T09:00:22","date_gmt":"2024-03-20T07:00:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/?p=5284"},"modified":"2025-01-31T08:55:17","modified_gmt":"2025-01-31T06:55:17","slug":"when-good-vibes-go-bad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/2024\/03\/20\/when-good-vibes-go-bad\/","title":{"rendered":"When good vibes go bad"},"content":{"rendered":"

We all have that friend. The one who\u2019s always happy, who\u2019ll tell an at-boiling-point mate to \u201clook on the bright side\u201d, and who believes \u201claughter is the best medicine\u201d.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Now I don\u2019t want to rid the universe of optimists (despite what those of you who know me well might think). We need them, especially when things are bleak. But there does come a time when too many plusses can turn into a minus.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m talking about \u201ctoxic positivity\u201d, which isn\u2019t just an accusation levelled by the chronically grumpy, but a serious phenomenon that can lead to denying, rejecting or minimising negative emotions or experiences. Ironically, toxic positivity makes people less<\/em> happy.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s wrong with being positive?<\/h6>\n

Toxic positivity is the excessive (sometimes inappropriate) promotion of positive thinking and happy emotions, in situations where such feelings are misplaced. It often takes the form of empty platitudes or forced cheerfulness, like this:<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s say you have a friend who\u2019s obsessed with padel. (In the 1990s it was golf. In the 2000s it was cycling. Now it\u2019s padel.) Let\u2019s say they break their elbow just before a big competition. Toxic positivity is telling them that, \u201cEverything happens for a reason.\u201d<\/p>\n

This, the equivalent of saying \u201cIt could be worse\u201d or \u201cAt least you’re not dead\u201d, makes you seem indifferent to their pain; like you’re looking for a silver lining that doesn’t exist.<\/p>\n

Toxic positivity isn\u2019t optimism. There\u2019s a very real difference between seeing the potential for good on the one hand, and being unrealistically upbeat on the other. The problem is that toxic positivity can mess with human emotions and, worse, prevent healthy coping.<\/p>\n

Theo\u2019s boss can\u2019t read the room<\/h6>\n

Theo\u2019s going through marital problems and finding it hard to stay focused and perform at work. So he shares his struggles with his boss, Harold, hoping for empathy and support.<\/p>\n

But Harold responds with, \u201cAh come on, man. Just stay positive. Plenty of fish in the sea, anyway, you know? Other people have it worse. Patricia from HR? Her son broke his collarbone playing rugby the other day. You\u2019ll be fine. Chin up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead of acknowledging Theo\u2019s feelings and maybe offering some practical advice, Harold tells Theo to put his problems in a box and replace them with a smile. NOT. HELPFUL.<\/p>\n

More harm than good<\/h6>\n

Toxic positivity can harm the person experiencing it and those around them. Here\u2019s how.<\/p>\n

Harm to you:<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  • Being chronically bummed out:<\/strong> When you face toxic positivity on the one hand, and real, live, honest humans on the other hand, you can feel isolated and misunderstood by both sides.<\/li>\n
  • Suffering in silence:<\/strong> If your negative emotions or experiences are dismissed or even minimised, this can undermine your pain.<\/li>\n
  • Losing the ability to regulate your own emotions:<\/strong> Ignoring bad feelings can stunt growth and resilience. It\u2019s hard to develop coping mechanisms if you don\u2019t deal with the bad as well as the good.<\/li>\n
  • Limiting your personal development:<\/strong> If, like an ostrich, you stick your head in \u2018positivity sand\u2019, there\u2019s a good chance you\u2019ll miss out on opportunities for curiosity, creativity and innovation. All three of these often stem from wanting to make problems, challenges, risks or unpleasant realities better.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    Harm to others:<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \n
    • Pressure to conceal emotions:<\/strong> When you tell someone to stay positive no matter what, they may feel the need to hide their true feelings in future.<\/li>\n
    • Invalidating experiences:<\/strong> If a person is going through a tough time, trite cliches like \u201cLook on the bright side\u201d or \u201cBe grateful for what you have\u201d can make them feel un-acknowledged, un-heard or un-seen.<\/li>\n
    • Guilt and shame:<\/strong> You may be able to maintain a positive outlook for much of your life, but those close to you could feel they\u2019re disappointing you by being sad, feeling down or sharing negative perspectives.<\/li>\n
    • Lack of support:<\/strong> If Harold doesn\u2019t care, Theo may think others don\u2019t either.<\/li>\n
    • Relationship damage:<\/strong> Toxically positive responses, in bulk, can cause a partner to feel disconnected enough to drift away emotionally.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      How to return from the dark side<\/strong><\/p>\n

        \n
      • Embrace a new clich\u00e9:<\/strong> Instead of \u201cHappiness is a choice\u201d and #blessed, try \u201cIt\u2019s okay to not be okay\u201d.<\/li>\n
      • Denial is not a river in Egypt:<\/strong> Negative feelings can lead to positive changes. Try managing rather than denying them.<\/li>\n
      • Listen:<\/strong> People know when you\u2019re listening just to reply. Replace \u201cOne door closes but another door opens\u201d with \u201cThat must be hard. How can I help?\u201d<\/li>\n
      • Be realistic:<\/strong> It\u2019s as harmful to over-expect and under-deliver in your relationship with yourself as it is with others. Go easy.<\/li>\n
      • Call people out:<\/strong> Although it is profoundly uncomfortable, there\u2019s a chance that confronting someone about their toxically positive approach can help them.<\/li>\n
      • Try someone else:<\/strong> If you\u2019re not winning at the confrontation game, try to share your real-life, not-ideal, sometimes-miserable things with other, less gung-ho folk.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

        There\u2019s nothing wrong with being a happy and positive person. I mean that. In fact, the ability to sprinkle positivity around an office when everyone else is wearing grumpy pants is a gift. But sometimes there\u2019s no bright side, and it\u2019s okay not to pretend there is.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        We all have that friend. The one who\u2019s always happy, who\u2019ll tell an at-boiling-point mate to \u201clook on the bright side\u201d, and who believes \u201claughter is the best medicine\u201d. Now…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":5286,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[92,87,88],"class_list":["post-5284","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-workplace-culture","tag-employee-engagement","tag-leadership","tag-leading"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5284","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5284"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5284\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5288,"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5284\/revisions\/5288"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5286"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5284"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5284"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.stefduplessis.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5284"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}