Understanding my Potential

Stef du Plessis

A troubled man, seeking enlightenment, approached the wise man. He said that his life wasn't working? his job was not fulfilling (mainly due to his boss being such a sod, and his colleagues being back-stabbing mugs). His personal relationships were not working - and he did not like the place where he lived.

He seeked to change all of this? and he would then be enlightened. "Don't waste your time..." responded the wise man. "Because", he explained, "wherever you go, there you are". He'd be taking his troubles with him, explained the wise man. And the next city, the next job, the next boss? in fact even his next partner, would all be the same?.until he changed.

"Go forth", said the wise man... "travel to the valleys and the hills, and there you will find enlightenment." And he gave the troubled young man a bundle of logs to carry on the journey.

He travelled many days, and many nights. He came to a valley, and in the river waded the second wise man. "I come to seek enlightenment." exclaimed the man. The wise man bade him to enter the river, whereupon he dunked the troubled man under the water - holding him under until he nearly drowned. Lifting him out, he asked him how he felt... "Exasperated", he replied. "I thought I would die!".

"Did you seek air?" "Of course!" "How much?" "With my whole being! More than ever wanted anything else before!"

"When you seek enlightenment that much", responded the wise man, "you will find it"

You see, we embrace our troubles. It's almost like our "blankie". It's like a party trick?.it gets attention. And to get more attention, we need more woes? so we seek more. It makes us fit in it. But when we truly seek enlightenment - no longer in the superficial manner of our past, but truly seeking it - we will find it.

The wise man sent him on his journey, with his bundle of logs. "Climb yonder mountains to the top. There you will find a cave. Meditate, and you will be enlightened."

He climbed for days, and nights. Not resting , not sleeping - seeking enlightenment with all his soul.

At the top he was surprised to find a third wise. "What seek ye here?" "I seek my cave, so that I may meditate, and be enlightened."

"No need for that. Come here, and I will enlightened you!"

The wise man stepped forward, and removed the bundle of logs from his shoulder. "There. You are enlightened. Easy, wasn't it?"

"Now go forth, and be enlightened."

As the young man turned to leave, the wise one called him back. "You forgot this", he said, and placed the bundle of logs back on his shoulder. "Now go forth and be enlightened".

Get it? Try this:

"Do not ask to have your life 's load enlightened, But for courage to endure. Do not ask for fulfillment in all you life, But for patience to accept frustration. Do not ask for perfection in all you do, But for the wisdom not to repeat mistakes. And, finally, do not ask for more Before saying "Thank You". For what you have already received." Unknown

I'd add:"... and for what you have already learned."

All we have to do is stop acting so smart... after all, you can not teach a person that which they think they already know. Isn't it amazing that we learn all the really neat stuff only after we think we know it all?

So, how do we become enlightened? By turning our stumbling blocks into stepping stones. Through learning from the past.

Cute, but how? We have to learn to stop making the same mistakes. We have to stop bumping our heads against the same obstacles. And we have to start this journey by controlling that which we can. Our attitude.

Our attitude is the only thing that we have absolute and total control over. This being the case, it seems the logical place to start.

Let's make this more tangible - I'll relate an analogy, which I've found very useful. I discovered this a few years back, and I wish that I could recall the author, so that I may credit him or her? if you happen to know, please let me know!

VICTIM OR MASTER OF YOUR OWN DESTINY?

As we journey through life, we'll encounter three types of people?

The Roller-Coaster Passengers:

Firstly, there are those who experience life as a roller-coaster ride. Visualise the roller-coaster... hear the sounds... the wheels on the track... laughter.... screams of angst. Feel the wind on your face.

A while back my youngest, Jessie - the brave one - and I dared a ride on the demon coaster. We were filled with excitement, and she loved it! Well, the start of the ride at least! As we pulled of to a jerky start, she grabbed my hand, but soon eased the vice-like grip, as the ride turned smooth. As we slowly made our way up the first steep incline, she made sounds of glee... "This is sooo cooool!", she exclaimed! Slowly the cart started tilting onto it's side, in anticipation of the vertical downward plunge.

"What's happening!", she wailed, again grasping my hand. I explained that it was time for us to do the gravity thing, and that this was the fun part! By now she had an upside-down view of the world, which suddenly seemed so far away.

"I've had enough. I want to get out... stop this thing!" Jessie wailed. I reminded her that we were locked into our seats with metal retainers, and that I'd explained before we'd boarded that there was no turning back once the ride started. It was clear that she had no interest in this explanation. "I want to get out? now!" was her only response.

By now there was dearly little time left before the plunge, and I tried to calm her. "You're not paying attention", she said. "I want to get off? NOW! Or I'll never, ever, ever, ever give you any grandchildren!". She was six at the time.

Plummeting vertically downwards, the ground rushed up to us. I was petrified. Jessi threw up. Into the wind. Suddenly, the ride was no longer any fun.

She recovered with the resilience that only youth understands. By the time we chugged gently up the next incline, she was happy again? having the time of her life. She marvelled at the fact that her mother, waving up at her, was smaller than her pet goldfish. "Look! Mamma's smaller than Wanda!"

Then we did the gravity thing again? and she threw up into the wind. Then the ride eased out again, and she waved at Mamma Wanda. Then she threw up into the wind?

Some people experience life like that. They want the driver to stop, so that they can get off. Then they enjoy a part of the ride? then they wish it were over.

They are the victims. They believe that life will throw at them what it will, and that they can do nothing but hang on, and endure. Sometimes they endure the happiness, sometimes the pain. But one day, thank God, the driver will stop the ride. They will die, the ride will be over, and the pain will go away.

The River Runners:

Then there are those who experience life as a raging river. A lot of the time they're on the raging white water, in the rapids. The water churns them along, taking them downstream at its own will, taking them where it wants. Sometimes the river widens? the water is calm they can even row their own course? determine their own direction? take charge of their life. But before they know it, they're back in the white water, and left to the mercy of the river?

The river runners are different to the roller-coaster passengers because they understand that they can make a small difference. They understand that they can determine their own course - but they think that they can only do this sometimes - the rest of the time they're still stuck wit the hand that life deals them.

And even in those situations where they can chart their own course, it's such an effort, that it's not always worth the bother. So they don't often try to make a difference. It's not worth their while, they say, and the effort is just too much.

The Explorers of the Seven Seas:

"It was in the face of the North winds that the Vickings sailed!"

This is from memory - was it Eileen Caddy?

Anyway, the explorers are those who understand, and believe, that they hold destiny in their own hands. Don't fear! This is not a blasphemous approach? neither is it religiously based. I'm saying that the explorers are those among us who gratefully acknowledge our God given right to determine our own attitude, in any circumstance! We have total freedom of choice. While we may not be able to control what happens to us, we can control how we react to whatever happens to us.

We're on the open ocean? smell the salt? the sun on your skin? the breeze in your hair. See your redemption by looking on the horizon. Take the shirt from your back, and make a sail. Learn to navigate by sun and moon and starts. Chart your own brave course. Reach the destiny of your dreams? and when you get there, you will see farther (thanks Zig Ziglar for giving me the perfect words to describe this!).

Or choose to look the other way and see nothing but perilous water. See the shark fins circling your small raft? nearer and nearer they come. Put and end to your suffering - dive in and swim with them that they may consume you, and your pain.

It's a choice - success or failure? high production, or no production? riches or poverty? happiness or sadness? love or hate? forgiveness or retribution?

We choose how we perceive life and we decide on what we see when we look in the mirror.

THE POWER OF CHOICE

We have the power of choice - but with this comes an awesome responsibility - because we have the power to perceive how we see ourselves; how we see the world; how we see those around us, and how we see the things that happen to us.

The master of this theory must surely be Viktor Frankl. In his book, "man's search for meaning", he tells of the horrors which he faced in the concentration camps. Against all odds, the young psychiatrist held on to his sanity, even when he saw both his parents die for no reason at the hands of his captors? even when he saw his young bride killed?

In his book, he writes:

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts, comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing the last of his human freedoms - to choose one's own attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

Our attitude is the single thing in the universe which we have absolute and total control over.

Think about this for a moment? do you will realise that this choice gives us such incredible power because we decide what we see. This choice, the ability to determine our own attitude, allows us to take charge of our own destiny! To determine the outcome of our life!

After all, your life right now is exactly where you chose for it to be. We are where we are because of choices we made, or failed to make. We see the world exactly the way we wish to see it.

But in order to realise our dreams: to become who we ought to be, we have to stop being who we are? so we have to break free from our comfort zones, and we have to face the pain of change.

PERSONAL CHANGE MASTERY

Another cute concept. But how do we undergo personal change?

For a start, we have to understand it. So here goes?

There are four areas of personal change mastery. Imagine a square, divided into four quadrants. Two columns down, two rows across. Column one represents those things that you can control (or change), and column two represents what you cannot control (or change). Now the rows: the top row represents what you decide to act upon, and the bottom row represents the areas where you do not take action.

This leaves us with four areas:

• Can & Do: Top left - we can exert control - and change - over this quadrant, and we choose to do so. This is the Effective Action Zone. Effort invested here will be rewarded with results. We become Self-Masters. We become wiser. We learn from the past. We learn the lessons that life is trying to teach us.
• Can't but Do Try: This quadrant represents that which is out of our control, but where we still try to exert influence to bring about change. Wasted effort! We have to learn to accept, and look for alternatives. In this quadrant we live our lives trying to control those things which we were not meant to control - we become frustrated, angry, and resentful. "A-Type" personalities often dwell here? and they are rewarded with strokes and heart attacks.
• Can't & Don't: Bottom Right. We can't change or control what happens here: we know this, accept it, and we don't waste any effort trying. Manage this, and you're in the realm of "Letting Go". This is on a higher level than Self-Mastery, I think. This is learning to accept those things that you cannot change, and to adapt your attitude about those things. This is where we learn to stop asking for the strength to carry our load, but decide to accomplish enlightenment. We put the load down? we turn our stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
• Can but Don't: We are able to control, or change, what happens here, but we don't. This is "Giving Up". Understand that this is not a neutral zone - we may think that by not acting on something that you could have acted upon, we do no harm, but merely don't enjoy reward either. This is not the case - there are no neutral actions! Not only will you not make progress, but you will - without doubt - regress! This is the River Runner Zone. I've heard it quoted that research has shown that the people who live in this quadrant are prone to cancer, are prone to depression. These are the people who can make a difference, but exercise their power of choice, and choose not to.

We must focus our efforts on the two effective zones: Can & Do, and Can't & Don't. We must learn from the Can't & Don't zone, and apply our new knowledge to the Can & Do zone.

But this only happens when we learn from the lessons of life?

LESSONS FOR LIVING

As a scholar in the school of life myself, I still often wonder, when looking back, why it took so long for me to start learning the lessons which life has been trying to teach me. On the other hand, I'm extremely grateful that I did start paying attention, although I can't point out one single event that acted as the catalyst for my learning to start. I can't say that I heard a voice, or saw a light. But two things happened that helped me to understand the fact that life is constantly trying to prepare us for the next step - yet we are often too stubborn to learn.

Here's the first: To a large degree, my mother, Henna has a great deal to do with my enthusiasm for learning my lessons now! Although this was not always the case?

Two years or so ago, I was booked to facilitate a full-day session, about two hours from my home in Johannesburg. I'd just returned from a scuba-diving excursion in Mozambique, and was rather under the weather with a bout of tick bite fever. Unfortunately, my job doesn't come with any sick leave, and I had to be there on the day. So my mother was driving me - we'd left home before sunrise, and I was sleeping in the back of the car. I slept all the way there, and we arrived with me drenched in sweat and shaking from the fever.

Somehow I managed to make it through the day, with my mom sitting in on the entire session. It was a strategic planning session, and the first time that she'd seen me in this particular role - although she'd often heard me speak before.

By the time we started our journey home, I was ready to collapse into a two-hour comatose sleep - but this was not to be the case. My mother wanted talk, as mothers do. I was totally exhausted - but she's the mother, so we spoke. She spoke for quite some time, telling me that she was proud of how my life had turned out.

And then she did something that really left me with no response? she apologised for not giving me and education? and she wept. You see, I'm a near school drop out, who had to repeat a year, and who attended nine different schools. But school just wasn't my thing, and I didn't learn a great deal in all those years. After school I spent a few years in the Army, followed by a few years of nothing really worth mentioning.

So, apologising for letting me down. If only she'd given me an education? just think of what I could have accomplished then! I didn't know what to say? but I consoled her as best I could, and explained that I didn't share her view, and that I'd never felt "let down". I reminded her that it was more a case of me not wanting an education, rather than her not giving me one. But this event was the start of the development of a whole new theory?

I often thought of what she'd said during that trip home. Perhaps she had let me down? after all, here I was competing directly with people who were far better qualified than me? it was a wonder that I managed to hold my own at all! The more I thought about it, the more I realised that she had a point!

A few weeks later, with this still brewing in my mind, I was underway to Johannesburg International Airport one morning - again before sunrise. Just as you approach the airport, there is a large potato chip plant right next to the motorway. I was early, and pulled off for a few minutes - as I often did at this spot. You see, I'd worked here a lifetime ago - in my past life. Before I started learning life's lessons. Not that the lessons were not presented to me - I just chose to ignore them. I used to work night shift at this plant, making sure that the packets that dropped from the machine in a never-ending flow were all neatly sealed, puffed, and filled. I also remembered the time I'd worked in another factory, sitting next to the conveyer belt, day in and day out, checking that an endless stream of olives had been pitted. Also before I'd started learning my lessons - how my life had changed.

I glanced over my shoulder to make sure that there was no oncoming traffic, and was about to pull off, when I remembered that this factory did not resemble the absolute lowest point of my life. With ample time in hand before my flight, I cut across the motorway, over the island, and drove off in the opposite direction. Taking the first off-ramp, I entered the industrial area and made my way to the dog-food factory where I'd worked shifts as a gate guard. I pulled off across the road from the factory, and sat silently for a while, recalling clearly that this place represented the absolute low point of my life. It was a shrine to my misery. I used to hate every moment, and I can remember how I wept at the prospect of having to come back here for one more shift from hell. And I can remember how Maureen consoled me, saying that somehow, sometime, things would change (I'll tell you more about her later). I could even remember the embarrassment that I suffered when I had to ask people to open the trunk of their car, so that I could inspect that they'd not stolen any dog food - and I can remember the look of despise and resentment that many of them threw my way. How my life had changed - now people paid me the better part of a month's salary to listen to me speak for an hour. Had they changed too? or only me?

Suddenly, like a bolt of lightning of calamatic proportion, it hit me. I called my mother from my car-phone. "What's wrong?" she asked, expecting the worst as my voice woke from her sleep. "Thanks." I said. "Thanks for my education." And I understood.

Suddenly this was no longer a shrine of my misery. It was the university where I graduated my first lesson - cum laude.

I realised now, for the first time, that I had to drop out of school a couple of times and be sent back there, even if only at the end of my mother's whip.

Maureen, my amazing soul mate, had to escape her life of poverty, by working herself through medical school as a waitress. We had to live in a one-room apartment in the slum-land of Hillbrow, and we had to struggle to get by on the meagre salary that she earned as a newly qualified doctor doing her internship at Baragwanath. I had to be unemployed for the better part of a year, and I had to finally end up at the gate of the dog food factory.

Helen Keller learnt this before me. Which is probably why she said:

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."

These were our lessons, and we had to learn them. Looking back now, I realise though that I could have learned the same lessons with less pain, and with less effort - if only I'd chosen to graduate earlier.

But at the time I refused to learn the lessons. I was lamenting and whining so much about the down side of life, complaining so much about all the things that were wrong, that I missed the learning opportunities presented to me in every challenge. I missed what life was trying to teach me. If only I had opened my eyes, I would have learnt sooner.

Isn't it strange that for those who believe, no proof is necessary, and for those who don't, no proof is possible (Eileen Caddy again, I think). Isn't it also strange that you cannot teach a man something which he thinks he already knows? and that for as long as we act clever, we're not going to learn from this journey. How much do we have to learn before we realise how little we know? Before we realise that we learn all the real neat stuff only after we know it all?

Somewhere in-between this progression, the second event occurred. A friend faxed me something that was in turn sent to him by someone else. I wonder how many people had been in the chain before me? It contained two points only:

1. You will receive a body (I add: only one, only once, and whether you like it or not, that's what you've got to work with. Period.)
2. Life will teach you lessons. (I add: Learn them fast, or learn them slow. But you will learn the lessons.)

I contemplated both points a great deal. There was immense depth in both theories, and I expanded on both - particularly on the latter.

Then, I saw a more comprehensive list, in "Chicken Soup for the Soul". It contained a list of ten rules for living - including a rephrased version of the two above - under the title "Rules for Being Human", by "Anonymous".

Next step in the saga was when I recently I bought Cherie Carter-Scott's "If life is a game, These are the Rules". The foreword by Jack Canfield, co-author of "Chicken Soup for the Soul", explained it all! Cherie had written the Rules more than 20 years ago! Those two inspiring thoughts off the internet were hers!

Her book was a welcome source of new information, and reinforcement for the theories which I had developed in the same direction.

I've learned that life does teach us lessons. And we keep on repeating the same lessons until we learn. What we've got to do is open our eyes and turn our stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

FROM STUMBLING BLOCKS TO STEPPING STONES

How do you turn these stumbling blocks into stepping stones? First you've got to understand where you come from.

This is where one of my mentors, Professor Hennie Lotter, a young philosopher defined it for me. While I've always known that we are each unique individual's, each from a once-off mode, I never really understood it. He explained to me that what makes us so individually unique is the fact that we each have a different set of experiences - a unique set of experiences, in fact.

That was when I really got it - our lessons are more than just that. Our lessons are really one-on-one coaching. Life tries to teach each of us our own unique set of lessons - those that we need on our personal (and unique) journey. The lessons are taught at our own pace - it's almost like distance learning. The material gets sent. All we have to do is open the mail!

You've got to understand what it is that brought about that you see life the way that you do today. You have to understand the lessons. If you haven't yet done so yet, I suggest you pop out and get yourself a copy of that other great master's book: "The Celestine Prophecy", by James Redfield. It will give you an excellent start to the journey. And while you're at it, also get his other books. What I learnt from reading James is the fact that we shouldn't merely start earning the lessons which come our way from here on out - we've got to go back and review all those lessons which we missed on our way here. We do this through introspection? and he tells us how.

We've got figure out what happened to us that caused us to think the way that we do today. To do this, we've got to do some homework. First, we have to put the curriculum of our past learning into perspective? and we do this by drawing a "life line" - simply a long line on a big sheet of paper. Now plot in all of the major events of your life. Your birth, today, and everything in-between. The day you graduated from school, from university, when you were married, maybe divorced, maybe remarried, when your kids were born, major promotions, when you were retrenched from a place where you worked for many years, or maybe when you started your own brokerage.

Now look at all of these landmarks and decide how they fit into categories, or life phases. Finally, determine what it was that each phase of your life was trying to teach you.

PARADIGMS

These phases each brought about a specific "paradigm" - preoccupations, or mindset. A different set of spectacles through which we view the world, depending on the situation. Reading glasses for the small print, and sunglasses to shield us against the brightness.

We want to use the life line to help us identify our different pairs of spectacles, and even to help us understand the prescription strength of each - with other words: what mindset did every phase of my life leave me with, and how do I now see the world?

What is it that really takes up most of your mind space. Are you guilt ridden? Are you all hung up about conforming and looking like other people want you to look? Are family feuds a problem? Are you self-indulgent? Do you under-earn or over-spend, or over-earn or under-spend? Do you have addictions? Not necessarily chemical addictions, but any other addictions - like power or money? Do you have dependencies? Are you filled with fear, anger, or guilt? Are you a control freak or a perfectionist?

This requires serious introspection. Do whatever inspires you. Watch the sun rise or watch it setting. Sit with a crackling fire, with a bottle of your favourite wine. Listen to music - soft chamber music or loud rock and roll, if that's what you need. Pray?. meditate. But look at your life line, and try to determine what your major paradigms and major preoccupations are. What is it that takes up most of your mind space?

HOW DO THESE MINDSETS AFFECT MY LIFE?

Now that you have your list, work through it and draw a ring around those preoccupations or paradigms that are of major consequence. Now determine which of these items add value to your life, and which detract value from your life. Make a plus next to those that add and a minus next to those that detract. By now you'll have a reasonable grasp of the major preoccupations that add value to your life, and you'd have identified many of the major preoccupations that detract value from your life.

But this is not new information! You knew all of this before you walked in that door. But maybe you just hadn't seen it as clearly as you do now.

Understand that even though you may not be able to see the relevance of each and every lesson now, no lessons are taught in vain. A time will come - an opportunity - which will demand that knowledge of you, if you are to seize the moment. And if you learnt the lesson, then you will be ready. Other people call this "luck".

How do these realisations make you feel? Jot down a paragraph of where your mind is at now.

Internalise the information, and try to see the big picture. Step outside of yourself for a moment and take a look at you sitting there? now stand even further away, and get a more panoramic view. See your life as it is - and definitively capture a picture of your present mindsets.

From this moment on, develop an ongoing awareness of these preoccupations, and of how they affect your life. This awareness will lead to an understanding - and this understanding is what you need to reach the next level of the journey? focussing on your positive mindsets, and using these to reach fulfilment.

Remember, your positive mindsets are lessons already learnt.

UNLEARNT LESSONS

Now you're ready to start focusing on those preoccupations that detract value from your life. Essentially, these are the lessons which you have yet to learn.

Ultimately, you want to decide on alternatives for these paradigms, so that you can develop an awareness and so that you can apply concerted effort in slowly making the shift to the new alternatives.

Let's talk briefly about these alternatives to the mindsets that detract from your life. Perhaps "guilt" is a current preoccupation. "Self-forgiveness" may be the alternative? or maybe "self-acceptance". If "revenge" takes up much of your mind space, "forgiveness" could be the alternative. "Over-spending" could be countered with "control".

On the other hand, if "over-control" is causing you hurt right now, you could reach fulfilment through a mindset of "trust" as a healthy alternative. "Lack of love" could be combated by developing "unconditional love". "Self trust" will help you to deal with "looking for approval" from everyone all of the time. "Creativity" may very well be the answer to "conformity". And "love" could overcome "fear".

No doubt you've realised that I've just used the mindset of "control" both as a problem, and as a solution. You have to see that mindsets are neither exclusively "good", or exclusively "bad". While a particular mindset preoccupation could be the barrier to fulfilment, it may paradoxically be the key to enlightenment in another area of your life.

Back to the paradigm shift from preoccupations that detract value, to a more healthy alternative. Draw up a list of the mindsets that detract value from your life, and start working on identifying alternatives - draw from your past experiences.

The shift from one mindset to another is not instant. It won't happen overnight. You'll have to come back to your lists many times. I've learnt that introspection ought never stop. It's a never-ending cycle, which should continue for the rest of your life.

What we want to achieve at this time however is an awareness. So, on to the next step - internalising how you feel about the alternatives to those mindsets that detract value from your life. Working from the list of alternatives, start making notes of the awareness that develops as you compare these opposing mindsets. What would be the outcome if you were to change your focus from the old mindset, to the new alternative? What would be the gain? Who else would benefit? How would it enhance your life? You're looking to identify good enough reasons to make the shift.

THE POWER OF THE SUBCONCIOUS

With this awareness in place, you want to develop affirmations that will reinforce the positive outcomes. I know that many people sneer at the concept of affirmations, and that it's not a new, chick "flavour of the month" concept. But it works. Affirmations, together with visualisation of the new outcome, are an awesome tool.

What you imagine in the subconscious is powerful enough to create reality: visualise your favourite meal, and you salivate. Thinking of a loved one evokes emotion. Reflect on the past, and we may laugh or cry.

Haven't you ever been scared of something that doesn't even exist - yet we perspire, shake, and hyperventilate! What you imagine in the subconscious is so powerful that it appears real? and this reality creates new beliefs in our mind.

Hand in hand with this is the theory of "spaced repetition". Not a new theory either - also as old as the hills. But it works. You see, what we repeat to ourselves often enough - or what is repeated to us often enough - becomes our new reality. When we are told enough times over that we can't, then we don't even try. When were told enough times that we shouldn't climb to the top because we'd fall, we stop climbing. But if we're told enough times to climb to the very top, so that we can see further, we extend ourselves, and reach higher.

Just as actual experience programmes us into certain ways of thinking, so does spaced repetition.

The abused wife allows herself to be beaten, because twenty years of conditioning has convinced her that she's not a good wife; that she can't cook; that she's a lousy mother; that she dresses funny, and that her opinion doesn't count. She believes that she's no good in the kitchen? or in bed. Hearing these negative "affirmations" at spaced intervals creates a false - but real - reality in her mind. And she believes that she deserves the beatings - after all, he only hits her when she does something wrong.

We've become the victims of our past programming, and are now the slaves of limiting self-belief. We must undo this process, and create new realities in our mind. And this becomes a whole lot easier if we are willing to learn from the lessons that life is trying to teach us.

So, go back to your "life line". Take a look at the different phases of your life. Look again at the notes that you made about what each of those phases was trying to teach you. What was the lesson that each of these phases was trying to get you to understand? What do you have to do differently, so that you won't continue making the same mistakes in the future, as you did in the past?

Now let's internalise all that we've done so far. How does all of this impact on your life? What level of personal fulfilment have you reached, and what is standing in your way to reaching an even higher level of personal fulfilment?

Again Redfield gives some clarity on how we could go about this. Let's start with some of the prompts that he prescribes, and then you can build on where this takes you.

Use prompts like these to jump-start your mind, so that you can develop a complete understanding of where you're really at right now: I wish I had ? I wish I'd never ? I wish I could ? I wish that I could stop ? I'd like more ? I'd like to change ? The most important things in my life right now are ? The one desire that if fulfilled, would make the biggest difference in my life ? I now realise that ?

Use the insight gained from this exercise, and now describe your life, at this point in time. Identify what it is that you wish you could change; and what you should be doing more of? or less of. What are the things in your life that you would want to change right now? You want to diagnose where you're at: understand the shape that you're in.

Looking back at your life, try to identify the positive intention behind what has seemed like negative events in your life. What has been the purpose of your life thus? Why were you put on this planet?

Keep it short and cryptic - try to capture the essence.

Now you want to identify the role that you've been playing - are you the Victim on the roller coaster? Or perhaps you're a River Runner. Perhaps not always, but some of the time. Take charge! Make your way to the open oceans, where you can captain your own course. Where you understand that we have destiny in our hands? we control the universe? but only if we exercise our God given right to take charge of our attitude.

PURPOSE

Now let's talk about purpose - this is like the watermark of our lives. There is a simple, yet very effective exercise that you can do to determine your purpose. Again, it's not new - but it works. I wish that I knew who the originator of this exercise is, so that I could give credit - but I don't even recall where I came across it for the first time.

What you need to do is write your own obituary - creepy as the concept may sound. What would you like them to say about how you lived your life, after you're gone? How would you like them to remember you? What would you like them to stand in awe of?

A quick reminder that the winner is not he who dies with the most toys. But he who contributed. I first did this exercise at a time in my life when I started to realise that I could determine - to a large extent, at least - how much money I wanted to make.

I'd progressed from the gate, to a Court of the Table member.

It started to seem like a neat idea to gain recognition by driving a fancy car, or wearing the right watch. But it slowly started dawning on me that this was a race I could never win. There would always be someone with more. The lesson had not been that I could start printing money - the lesson had in fact been that I could take charge by making choices.

It was at about that time that I came across the obituary exercise. My first few drafts we're useless. But then I started grasping the concept. Finally, I started to understood that what I really wanted them to say about me when they stood around that hole, had more to do with the type of person I was, and how I lived my life, rather than what I'd managed to accumulate.

I realised that I wanted them to say that I was a good father, and husband. To paraphrase Covey: I wanted them to remember me as someone who "Lived; Loved, and Left a Legacy". That I made a difference, and that I gave of myself.

All you have to do is now rephrase your obituary, and I believe that you have a Mission Statement for your life, which describes your purpose. Simple as that.

So, write your own obituary, rephrase it into a Mission Statement, decide what you have to change so that you can live up to this statement, and then get on with it? before they actually do read your obituary. Life your purpose? and when they stand around your hole, they'll be able to say those things in your memory. And for once they won't have to make it up!

But get on with it! Now!

My teacher here was Gaynor Young. An accomplished young actress who fell of the back of the set at the Pretoria State Theatre. She fell seven storeys, and almost killed herself. Months in hospital, and years of therapy saw her disprove her prognosis. She is once again self-sufficient, although she has very limited use of half her body. She is almost totally deaf, and is now vision impaired. When we speak, she can't always hear what I'm saying? and because of her limited sight, she can't lip-read. So she places her hand on my throat, and feels the words.

She taught me about the rainbow. A few days before her accident she was underway to a rehearsal, when she stopped her car on the side of the road, got out and stood in the soft rain until her summer frock was soaked. And she looked at the rainbow?

She's glad that she did this, she says. Because, in all of those months that she was trapped in a body that could not hear or see or move? she could see the rainbow? she could hear the patter of the rain, and she could feel the wetness on her skin.

Although she can't see the rainbow anymore because of her loss of vision, she can remember what it looks like. And she's glad that she stopped and looked.

I wonder why we wait until we cannot see, before we remember the rainbow? Why do we wait until it's too late, before we live our lives? Why don't we take charge today? And every day?

TAKING STOCK

Reflecting on all that we've done, you ought to be at a point where you can say: "Okay, I can take a hint, I can see now that life has been trying to teach me something and I can see what it was. It was these things. And if I learn these lessons then life will become easier. And I'll become more fulfilled? even enlightened."

Try to determine the top one, two, three, maybe top five lessons that life has been trying to teach you. Then stop being so stubborn and learn those lessons.

By now you should be ready to formulate your vision of the future. What do you see for your future? Where do you see your life going? If you're on the roller coaster, when are you going to get off? If you're in the white water, when are you going to look for the mouth of the river that leads to the open ocean so that you can chart your own course?

WHAT AM I DOING, THAT I DON'T LIKE DOING?

There are two little exercises remaining. The first is to determine those things that you are doing right now that you don't want to be doing? I'm not talking about those small things like washing the car or cleaning up the lawn after the neighbour's dog has been for a visit, or doing the dishes. What are the real things that you don't like doing?

Perhaps you don't like to the family day on Thanksgiving. Perhaps you had a fall-out with a cousins, years before. So you get into a negative state of mind weeks before the event. We arrive with a long face, and you're nasty to everyone. You're hostile, and you spoil the whole day for everyone, including your grandmother - who has been looking forward to this day since the day after last Thanksgiving.

Ask yourself why you actually do the things on the list. Perhaps it will get the job done, or maybe because someone is manipulating you. Or you don't want to be left out, or because you just don't know how to say no.

What do you expect in return? How does this make you feel? You'll find that some of the things on the list are actually worth doing because of the trade-off. Even if we don't like doing whatever it is, the trade-off makes it worthwhile.

Take the Thanksgiving dinner, for example. Perhaps the joy that it gives your grandmother to have her whole clan together one more time makes it worth the effort? perhaps not. If "yes", than keep your attitude to yourself, go there and make it her day. If "no" then decline the invitation. Simple, isn't?

Once you know these answers, you'll be in a position to determine, which of the things on the list you're going willing to continue doing, and which of the things on the list you're going to have the courage to stop doing.

I like the final phase of the exercise most - and I'll remain eternally grateful to Redfield for giving me the insight to conduct this exercise for myself. Let me share with you.

WHAT AM I NOT DOING, THAT I WICH I COULD

What are the things that you are not doing now, that you would really like to be doing. What's the effect of not doing these things? How does this make you feel? And what is stopping you from doing any of these things? Again, what's the trade-off?

I suppose it's sort of a universal thing - we all hanker after things that we wish we could have do, or could be doing. Some dream of doing Africa overland - like me. Until I understood this concept, I felt that the people around me were holding me back from fulfilling this dream. I perceive my wife - the one who stooped to pick me up from the gutter, the one who stood by me when few others would, who believed in me even when I didn't - I perceived her to be standing between me and realising this dream. And this made her the enemy.

Only when I went through this exercise was I able to understand that it's a trade-off - but one well worth making. I could "Alt + Ctrl + Del" this "dream". When I put it in perspective, I could see that it was just a notion, really, not a dream. It wasn't worth the price tag. By doing this, I could focus my energy on those things worth doing, and at the same time, I could stop resenting the people who I perceived to be standing in my way.

By working through this exercise, you'll be able to define which of the items on your "I wish I could be doing this?" list are worthy for the doing, and which are mere notions.

Why all of this introspection? Because we need to review our past lessons - particularly those that we were too clever to learn at the time of presentation. So that we can learn from our own unique past.

TURNING OUR STUMBLING BLOCKS INTO STEPPING STONES

Let's get to the real question: Why is it that we don't turn our stumbling blocks into stepping stones? I don't know. It took me a while to realise for myself that I was making life more difficult than it was meant to be? and that I was doing the same to those around me.

I'll start wrapping it up with a practical example. Back to Maureen. The girl who left the guy in the Porche, for me. At a time that I was unemployed. She has this really irritating habit. She doesn't put her toothbrush back in the little holder. Instead, she leaves it behind the tap on the basin. Now I don't know if you've ever noticed, but that's where the murky, soapy water forms a pool. And this is where she puts her toothbrush? then I have to kiss her.

Every morning, as I leave home to attack the world, I'd give her a whole long song and dance about not putting her toothbrush back in the little rack.

And this is not her only bad habit. She also never replaces the toothpaste tube cap. It drives me crazy. We'd have an argument about this every morning, maybe for five or six, seven, eight, nine years running. She'd respond by saying to me: "Yes, but you never replace the toilet paper when it's finished." I would quickly add that I could tell her some stuff about her mother that I didn't like, and then she would tell me how lousy our first date really was. And then we'd each go our separate way and we'd go and live our lives for the day and, if by God's grace we'd both make it back home safely, we'd kiss and make up. Until tomorrow morning?

I realised at some stage that she doesn't put her toothbrush there just because she's trying to make me jump off the top of a building so that she can get the insurance, the kids and the house, and go back to the guy with the Porche.

She just leaves it there because she does. That's it. And she doesn't throw the toothpaste tube caps away because she's trying to gall me. She just does. Where she puts them, is another story all together. I got in an actuary, and he did two things for me. He calculated firstly how many caps she had actually misplaced over the last 17 years. It was something like 4,522 toothpaste tube caps. Then we calculated the monetary value of these little items. In spite of the fact that one can't buy them separately, I found out that they cost less than three cents each.

I also brought in a detective, to find the missing caps. He was on a retainer for four months, but came up flush. He searched high and low. We dug up the whole garden, looked in the attic, and we looked in all the cupboards.

And here I was, chiselling away at our relationship bit by bit. Destroying the one good thing in my life. This is where Richard Carlson helped me. In his book, "Don't sweat the small stuff?", I found some of the answers.

And I just decided to stop one day. I would still find her toothbrush in the murky water, but I'd lovingly rinse it off and put it back in the little rack. I still do to this very day - and it brings a smile to my face every single time. The great part is, that when she finds it there tomorrow, she thinks that that's where she left it.

I now keep my own tube of toothpaste, squeezed from the back only, and cap intact. I hide it on top of the shower wall where she can't get to it. I no longer sarcastically remind her every day that if she tilted her neck just a little bit to the left she'd see that round little container with the little holes in it, designed specifically for holding toothbrushes. And I no longer remind her that it takes only a flick of the wrist to replace the cap.

Now, when we say goodbye, I remind her instead of how much I love her, and sometimes she even says the same.

I'm not saying that she'd have left me because of this - but I was chipping away at our relationship bit by bit, and we'd lost some of the fun.

It's a choice. At some stage of our lives we have to decide to stop bumping our heads against the same old stumbling blocks. We have to pick them up, carve them, and place them where we need to step next.

Winniw the Pooh, in Benjamin Hoff's "The Tao Winnie the Pooh", said it like this:

"How can you know who you are if you don't know what you've got? How can you do what you ought if you don't know where to start? If you don't know which to do of all the things in front of you, then all you'll have when you are through is just a mess without a clue of all the best that can come true if you know what and which and who."

That's what this is all about. Take a look in the mirror. Figure out who you are and what you've got. Figure out where you're coming from and what the lessons are that life has been trying to teach you. Figure out where you want to go with your life and then heed the advice of Winnie's friend Piglet. "The sun is high", he said. "The road is wide. It starts right here where we are standing. No-one knows how far it goes. For this road is never ending."

I wish you God speed and success with the changes that you have to make. We can make these changes to become better human beings, better mothers and fathers and sons and daughters, better husbands and wives, better employers and employees, better advisors for our clients. We can re-write the wrongs of the past. We can become the people we were meant to be. Take back our birthright, and live the lives we were meant to.

But you've got to want to get out of your comfort zone. Again, I can't give credit, as I don't recall the author. But here is the answer: "The caterpillar asked the butterfly: 'How does one become a butterfly?'. To which the butterfly responded: "You've got to want to fly so much, that you're willing to give up being a caterpillar."

You've got to stop being who you are before you can become who you were meant to be, and that requires courage. I hope that you find that courage and that you find the answers. This is not about making life's problems go away. Life is tough and that's not going to change. This is simply about making the journey easier. This is about learning to cope with all of the challenges. This is about looking towards the sun, so that the shadows fall behind you (again not my own wisdom, but from unknown origin).

My wish for you is that you may turn your stumbling blocks into stepping stones... and then, paying heed to Piglet's wisdom, that you may..

"Go as far as you can see. And when you get there, you will be able to see further."